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1yearin2this:
Sister in Christ, I am struch with the fact that just as I was writing my first reply to you, you were writing a reply asking if he has a pornographic addiction, do you see the possibility that the Lord lead me to this thread to confirm your suspicions. Yes he may have come to know these practices from pornography in his past, but his past has clearly not been dealt with, he has not allowed the Lord to cleanse him from all of that filth. God delivered Israel from Egypt, but the problem was that Egypt was still in Israel. Though they left Egypt, they clung to the lifestyle, religious practices, even food of Egypt. You are not the first wife to have been lied to. I full heartedly believe that pornography is still at work in your husbands heart, mind and life. Your pastor conveniently left the entirety of the scripture out, the scripture reads "Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, " Do you feel this type of love from your husband in this issue? Do you feel that he is giving his life for you? Do you feel that what he is asking of you is cleansing you, or defiling you? Search your heart, be honest with yourself and the Lord, be courageous enough to face the issue. It can only be resolved by bringing it into the light.
Hoplon
1yearin2this: Believe me, I understand that you are feeling conflicted. You want to please your husband which is good and Godly desire, yet deep in your heart you are feeling as though something is not right, something is amiss in your husbands requests, this is not just female intuition, it is the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I will attempt to answer your questions as accurately as possible. I do believe that God has given us freedom in our sexual lives with our spouses, He came and died to make us free from sin, free from shame and free from guilt and judgment. However we still have to exercise wisdom and discernment regarding what we participate in, we have to ask ourselves "How does this activity make me feel, does it create and increase intimacy between my spouse and I, or does it detract from it?" I am not saying that sex is for babies only, nor am I suggesting that the traditional "Missionary" position is the only approved position according to the scriptures, but I am saying that whatever you and your husband agrees to do while intimate together should draw you closer together, not pull you further apart. You will not find a concencious among many christian authors, teachers, pastors etc regarding these delicate issues. In the end you can only rely on the Guidance of the Holy Spirit in the matters. The scriptures do state "1Jn 2:26 These things have I written unto you concerning them that seduce you. 1Jn 2:27 But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him."
Regarding your husband being placed in authority to teach being an unspoken endorsement of his not being into pornography is an illusion. There are hundreds of sunday School teachers, pasters elders and decons who are heavily into Pornography yet still "ministering" I encourage you to obtain a dvd called "Trapped finding freedom from pornography" from RBC ministries (Day of Discovery). This DVD contains interviews of several pastors Sunday School Teachers and regular Christians who were involved in pornography while in the ministry, and how God had delivered them from that double life.
I can only say this, it is amazing all the different ways which people can find to both support and hide their pornographic activities. I whole heartedly believe that you are a sincere Christian, and as such I believe that the Lord is more than able to reveal the whole truth as to what is going on in this matter. If there is something unclean behind your husbands requests and desires (and I really believe that there is) then it will cause some sort of friction between you as things begin to become exposed. The Lord says this through the apostle John "Joh 3:20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved." Many Christian men are enslaved by pornography. Pornography becomes a drug addiction through the chemical reaction that the viewer experiences as a result of seeing it. This is documented in many christian books, one of which is "Everymans Battle" written by Fred Stoeker who himself was active in pornography while being in leadership at church. This activity actually opened the door for Satan to harrass his wife in her dreams. When he came clean about it and made a sincere committment to find the Lord's help to stop, so did the bad dreams for his wife. All I ask is that you ask the Lord. He is faithfull to His word, He will hear and answer in a time of need. It will by no means be an easy battle, but if pornography is in any way involved in your husbands life, and thus in your marriage it will destroy it. That's all I can say. There are books such as "An affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall, she went through this very thing. Fred and his wife Brenda wrote a book called "Every Heart Restored" which is written from a womans perspective so that the husband can see what pornography does to a woman and a marriage. There is also "Not Even A Hint" by Joshua Harris. I pray that the Lord continues to lead you in His paths of righteousness for His Name Sake
Submission doesn`t mean doing "anything" the H wants. ("yes dear, yes dear, anything you want dear") It sounds like he is manipulating you by saying you need to submit to me when asking you to do these unusual things. I get embarrassed discussing certain things too, but I will say this, my h wanted me to try anal sex, and I agreed to TRY it, and that was it! No more. I even tried it one other time after that! (stupid me) IT HURTS. Maybe to some women it doesn`t, but for me... no way. I told him, how would you like something hard going in your ass? I`m sorry to those who enjoy that, but I don`t see how. I don`t even think it`s healthy.
I think trying new things is wonderful, oral, fun pleasant things that both of you can agree on and enjoy one another to the fullest. Marriage and submission isn`t suppose to be about manipulation, or making the other feel like crud if they don`t do a certain thing. You can make his knees knock in the bedroom without doing things that make you feel pain, etc..
1yearin2this- Hi, I've read a lot of your posts regarding the request your husband has been asking of you. I can fully understand you wanting to please your husband because as wives we want to know we are loving our husbands as God intended for us to do, likewise the husband loving us as God intended. Your husband having had relations before he married you has carried all those past relationships into your marriage bed, whether he wanted to or not. Whatever we have done in our past tend to affect us to date unless we have experienced the Lord's healing in our lives and the past no longer has a hold on us. I was surprised at this statement "Apparently my husband says it's very popular amongst the population of women". How does he know this? Or has he himself done a search on this? Regardless I tend to be concerned about what he is now asking you to do as the "fisting" sounds rather painful if you ask me. This is something I would be concerned about doing considering you have not had any children yet, as this could indeed tend to stretch you and possibly tear you, if this is done in the vagina, if done elsewhere such as the anus I again would be most concerned with tearing and rupture to veins within the wall. This to me does not sound like a "normal" healthy sexual activity but rather ways of searching for other means to satisty an insatiable appetite. If at all you choose to participate in this activity and you find it painful I emplore you not to do it again. We should not in anyway inflict pain on any partner during intimacy but rather pleasuring one another. I do not believe that you have to simply "submit" to everything and anything your husband fancies. If your husband was to ask you to watch porn all to "enhance your sexual life" or "help you to gain a little more experience and know how on how to please him" would you then submit to this also? Absolutely not, though the marriage bed is undefiled we must realize that it is before the Lord. As the bible instructs the husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, would you then believe the Lord would make you to do something that you are not ready for or that might cause you bodily harm? If at all you are uncomfortable you have the right to say no and your husband should love you enough and respect you enough to say ok perhaps that's not what you like. It's not all about him, it's a relationship of two people loving one another, and respecting if a partner is not comfortable in performing certain things. The marriage bed can indeed be fulfilling before and after having children but it does not demand, or expect, or demean, it is all about Love, unconditional love. I have to believe that because of your husbands past experience he has allowed them to conduct how you have intimacy. Now he becomes the expert? No. He must come to know how to please you, your likes and dislikes, because you are all together unique and different, than all the other women he has ever known. Also a man though he has said he has dealt with his past, and even can lead groups on such topics, and talk the talk, one must realize that many have fallen into this trap, many Pastors and leaders, men everywhere have fallen prey to lust, lustful thoughts and pornography and because of the shame, that this sin brings with it, they choose to hide it, all along still in bondage to it. Now I'm not saying that your husband is continuing in pornography but one thing is for sure he picked this up somewhere, perhaps a past relationship, and now he is choosing to bring it into your marriage bed. Regarding the issue of female ejaculation if it happens it happens, if not you cant' force it to happen. Rather just enjoy being intimate with your husband don't worry about such things, if you are both able to enjoy your intimate time together than that's what matters. Our marriages are to continue to be holy and sanctified before the Lord, in all we do, in all we say to one another, if all we do to please one another is done in a right spirit before the Lord. I encourage you both to go before the Lord and pray about these things that you might have His peace and what He intended for your marriage to be. God bless
Hewaters: Thank you. You have such a gentle way of explaining things, in a way that I could totally understand where you were coming from.
No offense, but Hoplon - the way you were coming across in your posts, to me, felt very hostile! :(
When the topic was brought up about the fisting, I did ask him about it, and where he knew about it. He admitted to me, that thru a past relationship that he was in, prior to us, his long-lasting (as in years) girlfriend "introduced" him to it. He knew nothing of the sort prior to that. He stated, that seeing how much pleasure it brought to his girlfriend at the time, brought him pleasure as well - knowing that thru doing that to her, pleased her. He admitted to me, he thought that since she enjoyed it, I probably would as well, and this was the reasoning he mentioned it to me. At that time, I didn't know what it was, and then was when I googled it.
My husband and I will be praying tonight, as we do every night. We also do a couples' bible study. In addition to these, I will be initiating this topic to him. And I'm hopeful that we will get things resolved.
1yearin2this,
My dear sister in Christ. I have to agree with Hoplon on this issue. At first, it just seemed like your husband was curious and exploring with the female ejaculate (which isn't possible for most females - it's something the women do in porn and they use a device in order to make the squirting happen).
Regarding fisting. Have you already figured out what it is? If you haven't, you're in for a rude awakening, which is why all those porn sites came up when you typed it in. It truly sounds like your husband has a porn addiction or some form of it. He does not have a realistic view of sexual intimacy, instead it's about sex and his own pleasure. He would not otherwise know about these things because most women do not participate in them. I am definately one who believes in sexual exploration with your husband and am by no means inhibited or a prudish. Play, have fun. But fisting!! That's right along the lines of orgy's and having sex with animals. Not only that, you're new to sex, I don't even think your vagina would allow this to occur. You need to SERIOUSLY talk with your husband about his sexual expectations and find out where his heart lies on these issues, because this sounds like a slippery slope that you'll have a hard time getting out of later.
Please understand, I am not trying to frighten you, nor am I exaggerating about the fisting compared to orgy thing. That's some pretty hard-core porn stuff.
--Edit to my last post--
I see that you have figured out what fisting is. It is up to you of course to participate in this or not. But as Hewaters said, do not do anything that you are uncomfortable with or that is too painful. Sex is a gift from God and we should treat it as such. I also see that your husband says he did this with an ex girlfriend and he thought you'd like it since she liked it. He'll learn over time what you do and don't like by experimentation, so there is nothing wrong with him wanting to try new things. If his main goal (which is most husbands) is to make sure that you are enjoying your sexual time together, he'll be perfectly happy with you turning down a suggestion or making a suggestion yourself.
I will also say, you are on the right path. It's good that you asked these questions, it's good to know what's all out there in the way of sex, because there is SO MUCH. The problem with porn is that it truly defiles women and the marriage relationship, bringing in to the male mind, unrealistic sexual fantasies. I'm happy you are going to talk and pray with your husband. That is truly the BEST thing to do. You two will be just fine :)
Many Blessings...
Ok. Time for feedback after last nights prayer and bible study.
I initiated the topics to him. I told him how I didn't know what either of them were when he first mentioned them to me, but went thru google to find out. I would be find experimenting with the possible squirting, but the latter will be thrown out the window.
Then, we got into a discussion about his previous sexual experiences. He was engaged to a woman, he had dated for 8 years, and then had learned that she was having a sexual affair behind his back. He had been a virgin prior to her, and had learned about all this, as he put it "crazy sexual stuff" from her. I'm sure there are a bunch of you that don't believe what he's telling me, but I DO! My husband and I have been nothing but honest and truthful with each other from the beginning. I brought up the topic of pornography addiction, either from his past or now in the present. He said he's never enjoyed looking at the stuff - how he felt is that it degrates women, and men for that matter. He told me, how his ex-fiancee tried to get him to watch it once, and he left the house. At the time, he had said it was into their 7th year of dating, and it was not long after he'd proposed to her, was when she started doing and asking him to do all the "crazy sexual stuff", and started to almost try to force him to engage in pornographic-type things. He admitted to me, that the only thing he agreed to do with her, was the fisting. He saw how it brought her pleasure, so therefore, he thought he was doing his job, of bringing her pleasure. After numerous times of saying no to other sexual activities, he'd said they'd fight alot and then it went into where he thinks, at the time when she started having an affair. He said they became very distant, men would call the house, etc, etc. When he'd sit down to talk to her about it, it would end in an argument and she'd leave the house saying she'd be over at so-and-so's house. It was then that he broke things off with her and became more involved with his church.
He said the only reason he mentioned any of the activities to me, was that he saw that his ex got pleasure from them, and thought I would too. I honestly believe what my husband is telling me. I don't know why he would make up a story as such....
