FamilyLife Forums

mzjh20,

Thank you for your great perspective.  I appreciate the point of view.  I have difficulty understanding the situation and keep getting all tied up in the details.  At times it seems like if I don't agree with her she is going to go out the door.  I don't know if I just walk away (leave the room) when she starts something like this or just listen.  I know the discussion (any thing I said) last night just made things worse.  I wanted to walk away, but says that is a way I control her is by ignoring her.  I feel like I am going to loose no matter what I say or do.  If I would have walked away she would have said something about that.  When I staid she accused me of not trusting her and kept saying how I have not changed.     

I am determined not to leave the house again.  It is my new boundary and I am unwilling to do that. 

 

It's important to remain calm, and not react in tit-for-tat manner. Especially when she is firing salvos at you. Back off and carefully consider how to respond.
But even in that you are likely to get lambasted.
If you react you are no good for her, if you don't react you are just trying a different way of being controlling, pretending to be Mr Cool, while she is all of a turmoil.

Her method of choice seems to be to create a scene, then use that scene as the justification for her reaction to that scene. e.g. she disagrees with you, then says that because she and you disagree that is proof positive that things won't work out between you both.

If I was cynical - and I am about these kinds of situations - I would conclude that it is a carefully choreographed segment of the saga. Create an argument, then use the existence of that argument as the means to achieve a predetermined outcome, i.e. separation.

Also the oft repeated claim by her that you can't change is what she wants to believe. If she can convince you of that "truth", then you will both be on the same page, a page that reads "finis". It's an important part of her strategy - get you on board with the belief that it can't work.

I don't buy into the notion that it was "bad idea" for you to come back. All she needs to do is to create that "scene" and she can prove just about anything she wants. She is phishing for any and every reason she can marshal to show that the marriage won't work. Generate an argument at home, claim how bad that argument makes her feel, then say that your presence is bad for her, (because if you were not there, there would be no argument) and  that both of you together are toxic for each other, that the solution is to part.

About that texting. Is it only 2 weeks since she started to exchange txt msgs with that guy? Or is it merely that long since you found out? I would be surprised if all this started just 2 weeks ago.It seems to me to carry the marks of something that has been brewing longer than 2 weeks. The evidence you present points to deeper roots than what can develop in a fortnight. Of course, these things escalate, they don't remain static. Once they are under way they get a life of their own, and the rate of advance in a few days can be mind-boggling.

But as I hinted in my previous 2 posts, there are twin factors being played out. Teasing out these, and seeing them as separate issues is a demanding task.

On the one hand, there is your admitted failings as a husband, failings that you were largely unaware of, but which you are now grappling with. Your wife has kept much of this below the radar, so much so, that when she did reveal it's extent to you, you were somewhat incredulous. On that score, you have indicated to her your intention to deal with that, and make up it her for all of that.

The problem now is that she does not want you to make it up to her for your past shortcomings. That is what has you flummoxed.

The 2nd factor is the existence of this other guy, and the nature of her emotional involvement with him. This factor alone is sufficient to threaten and destroy your marriage. Even if none of the first factor was present.
And into the bargain, this 2nd factor is impacting how she views that first factor. In other words, this involvement with the guy is giving impetus to the dim view she has of the marriage. Again, this is not rocket science. If you want to discard something, and replace it with another item, you have to convince yourself that the previous model is past it's use-by date, or is inferior to the new model, etc,etc.

That is why it is difficult to know just how much credibility to give to her account of your marriage. You can see how it would be to her advantage to cast the marriage as a failure, because that is a necessary precursor to the next act in the play: getting a new life, building a separate existence, perhaps including bonding with a new lover.
My guess is that the first factor is getting embellished in order to justify the the next factor, her involvement with this family.

Knowing just how much each of those two factors are contributing to the present impasse is the question.You have to work on the first one, which you are doing. She has to work on the 2nd, which she isn't, and  can't, and won't.
That is where an intervention may be necessary.
But she will resist that.That is why she is laying the groundwork to preempt such a possibility by jettisoning all the people who previously had clout in her life.

Formerlyalpha,

I am remaining calm.  I don’t argue with her point of view even when I have to bite my tongue I keep my mouth shut.  The only time I interject is when she tells me what I am thinking.  She will say stuff like you are mad that I was not home at 7 tonight.  I usually try and tell her what I am feeling since most of time she is assuming a negative though and my true feelings are more confused how to respond or act to certain situations.

 

I appreciate your analysis of the situation as it helps my very logical brain grasp the endless irrational behaviors and comments.  I can see the inner battle in her show itself from time to time.  She will come to hug or kiss me goodbye.  This it looks almost forced like she thinks she has to. 

 

I got an interesting insight into her thoughts and feelings last night.  I did not expect her to be home till late because Wednesday is my daughters dance practice and then my wife usually stays and visits with the older lady till later.  I was not mad disappointed or anything. My wife never told me anything, but I knew in my head that that is how it would happen.  I expected it planned for it and was fine with it.  When my wife got home I went upstairs and helped put the kids to bed.  I was quiet and did not say much to her because I assumed she would still be upset from the previous day.  She told me I was mad and upset because I expected her home earlier.  I told her that I was not upset in the least and the reason for my quietness was because I was confused how to handle giving her space, and at the same time letting her know that I loved her and was here if she needed me.  I told her I did not know if I should go to the basement to give her space, or stay upstairs and be there if she wanted to talk.  She never gave me an answer.  She was working on some stuff for the kids Halloween party and I asked if there was anything I can do to help.  She gave me some stuff to do and we worked on it together.  She told me that she just feels so guilty for not working on the relationship and doing the things that the passive person should be doing in a passive / controlling relationship book that I read and she asked to borrow.   She felt like she was not following the advice the author gave the passive person and so she was being a bad wife.  I reassured her that I understood where she was and I did not expect her to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting my feelings.  I also told her I realize that while we had a passive/controlling relationship she was not ready to use the use the advice in the book.    She said something about going out with the older lady Thursday without the kids and I told her that would be fine.  I would take the kids and I wanted her to have a nice time.  She said something about feeling guilty and I tried to reassure her that I would not be upset or mad or anything.  I wanted her to have a good time without worrying about my feelings.  She just kept saying that is all she can think about when she is away if I am angry or upset that she is gone.  She has a counseling appointment today and she mentioned she would ask her counselor how to not focus on my feelings when she was doing something she wanted to do when.  She was also going to write some questions down for the counselor so I think she does want help figuring this out. 

 

Since I am such a logical thinker this understanding helped me.  The way I see it right now is she wants to separate so she can get away from her guilt she has for what she thinks is hurting my feelings or making me angry.  Then she also feels guilty for separating because she knows it will hurt the kids and may not be as positive as the acts like.  She passes every decision through a filter in her head that is “will this make my husband happy”   I know in the past if she would have got home from dance after 7:30 I would have asked what she did.  Looking back I don’t think my intentions were to control the situation, but rather just to know.  I think I have an issue with not knowing things… even silly little things. (why did you buy this, what did you do that for, how much did that cost, where did you go today)   I assume if I can get over that obstacle I will be another step closer to not being controlling.

It's interesting that she assumes that you are mad at her. I'm not sure just why that is, but two possible explanations come to mind.

One, she wants you to be mad at her, because that would maintain the rift between you both, so she is 2nd guessing what you may be feeling, in the hope that will be the case.That would explain why she gave no answer to you when you said you were not mad at her. If she is wanting to end the marriage it would suit her purposes for you to be hopping mad, because the madder you are, the worse your realtionship will get, and the more easliy it will be to exit it.

Second, it could just be an evidence of the guilt that she feels. She expects you to be mad, because she knows that her actions would merit you being mad. You quote her as saying, " she just feels so guilty for not working on the relationship"; and, "she was being a bad wife."

That at least clears the air about whether she knows what is going on. She does have self knowledge of her behaviour. That is what her guilt is about. So the issue is not about her knowing exactly what she is doing, it is about what she is willing to do about it. So you don't need to spell it out to her  what she is doing, as if she did not realise it.
So, if she knows, the situation moves into a different arena. The arena of her will.

In my previous post I said "she isn't, she can't, and she won't" work on the marriage.
"She isn't" is a plain statement of fact. That moves on to ask Why?

The reason she isn't is because "she can't". Why can't she? Because she is held captive by her emotions. At this point those emotions will be confusing, even perhaps to her.There will be the emotional pain that has accrued over the duration of the marriage. Then there will be the emotions engendered by her involvement with this other family, and especially the feelings about this guy. I don't know how strong those feelings for him are.
Because a woman is very much propelled by how she feels in a marriage, if those are in confusion, she will be unable to move. As it stands, her emotions are pushing her away from you. There is "pain" with you, there is "feelgood" with the others.

And if "she can't" it could well be because "she won't". She won't work at the marriage because she does not want to. That is a decision of the will. That will be resting on how she feels. If she is getting the "feel good" from other people, and not from you, she will want more of that. That moves her towards those other people.
So what can move her to work on her marriage to you? A decision of the will to ignore what she feels. To do what is right, even when she feels like not doing what is right.

At this point, you at least need to convey to her that she will not be made to feel "worse" by working on the marriage. You are doing that. But what she finds when she tries working on the marriage is that she feels "worse". She says that is due to it throwing up all the memories of pain. But if her will was set on separating, it would be in her interest to feel as bad as possible about you. It rests in a choice.

It could be that she is hanging in the balance, undecided whether to stay or leave.

I think the reason she assumes I am mad is because of the way I would of acted in the past.  I was not mad then either, but my controlling questioning came off as being upset that she did not come home.

 

I definitely think she is hanging in the balance not knowing what to do.  I think she is trying to be away from me because she spends every possible moment she can with this other lady.  One thing I have noticed is she still tells me stuff that other people say and do to her, but she has never told we what goes on between her and this lady.  I don’t try to get it out of her, but just in listening to her recount of the day their conversations never come up.  They are together for such an extended period of time.  Wednesday she was with her from 8AM to 8PM, and Thursday was from 8AM till 11PM, and today from 8AM till at least 9PM.  Then she said she was going shopping with her Saturday.  This is not a special week either.  It has been like this for several weeks.  I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but while I was staying in the hotel and the kids where with grandma she did not even stay at our house.  She has never mentioned this or where she did stay.  I assume it was at the older ladies house. 

 

I am confused about a situation that may happen tonight. The daycare where she is working (the one the older lady owns) is having a Halloween festival tonight. She will be there as an employee, and both of our kids will be there. I asked her if she wanted me to stop by, and she said no that she will be busy and won’t be able to talk to me. Then later she said something about well you can if you want to, but I’ll be busy. I said something like do you want me to go to help with the kids, and she said you can if you want to but they will be busy with their friends (the texting guy’s kids).  I know the guy that she has been texting will likely be there. I know if I go I will be very uncomfortable around this guy, and my wife will notice and think I am being untrusting.  Now if I don’t go I am afraid that she will say something like I thought you were going to stop by, and I don’t know how to answer that. If I answer honestly she will think since I don’t want to be around this other guy that I am not willing to change and I don’t trust her. If I don’t go then it will appear like don’t care.  It’s another tightrope situation. 

Are other parents going to be at the Halloween party? If other parents are going to be there, I suggest you go and introduce yourself to this guy and have fun with your kids. Your wife says "the kids will be busy playing with their friends." That might be the case, but I know when my daycare has parties, my kids always want me to play with them and introduce me to their friends. I would even let the guy know that you know he's been texting your wife (nicely) so he knows it isn't a secret and ask if he has a home church. (that might be going a little too far, but worth a try to ease the awkwardness) Mingle with other parents, since your wife says she'll be busy. I know if I were in this situation, my stomach would be in knots at the thought of seeing this other person, but I would want to meet the woman texting my husband and taking his time (thinking to myself the whole time, "don't punch her in the face, don't punch her in the face, lol) 

It's easy for people to do and say bad things about others they've never met, but once you meet them, you become a real person, not just the "controlling husband of a nice lady."

I also think it's a good idea to meet this older woman (if you haven't already). The same situation applies in making you become a real person, not just words coming out of your wife's mouth. She might need help setting up or passing out food or something. Make yourself useful so you don't feel too uncomfortable.

The best advice would be to pray about it. Seriously pray, because if you're anything like your wife believes, you won't be handle to this uncomfortable situation. If you don't think you can handle it, don't go, it'll just make things worst. And that's ok too, be completely honest with your wife and tell her why you chose not to go. It wasn't because you didn't care, it was because you cared too much. In your situation, and the situation you'll be in until things are better, honesty is the best policy. Total honesty and being upfront about it, so your wife doesn't have a chance to pre-judge you.

That's just my humble opinion though...

I have met both of them.  We actually did some stuff with their family before (or possibly while) anything ever happened.  We have had his kids at our house and vice versa.  The reason why I don’t think I can handle it is one day I saw him at our daughter’s dance class I said hi to him and he did not say anything back.  I thought that was odd and was confused because we had spent time with him, and my wife dismissed it as he was quiet and hard of hearing.  So then a couple weeks later we where walking out of dance and he just happened to be coming in the door as I was walking out.  By this time the trouble had begun between my wife and me.  I again said hi and it was as if he was looking right through me.  So I spoke up and said loudly “How are you” and he kind of shrugged.  My wife was furious.  She said how rude and how he is the father of our kids friends and I can’t believe you are acting that way.  She said he is just quiet and I can’t believe you did that.  She told me that luckily he would just think I was being overly friendly, but she new I was being rude.    Looking back I realize that she had already begun having some sort of friendship with this man and that is why he refused to look me in the eye or acknowledge me.  So I don’t think I can face him without saying something to him about the texts or asking him if he new that she was married and and and and and.          

Yes, re that Halloween festival, it' looks like a case of you being dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't.

It's at a time like this that you need to ask for wisdom from God. There is probably not a one-size-fits-all answer. So I won't offer one. Looking at it with the natural mind there are pros and cons either way. What may work in one marriage, may not in another. You need to be in prayer to get that sense of direction from God as to whether it will be beneficial to attend.
The only comment I will make is that she did not invite you to attend, the suggestion came from you, and she was clearly cool to that.That does not mean you should not go, after all, your children will be there, and as their father you have a "right" to be there.
It all comes down to getting that divine direction for this specific occasion.
 With that other guy present, there is certainly the potential for the sparks to fly, so if you did go, you would need to be extra careful not to fall into some kind of unhelpful confrontation. Because whatever may happen, you are the one likely to come out with egg on your face. So be in prayer.

The long hours she is with this other woman certainly seem to be excessive. But you are in a position where you have very little leverage. And with her claiming you have a history of "controlling" it would simply reinforce that perception if you questioned her about it. I suppose the best that you could offer would be to say that you missed her. Even that could backfire on you by exacerbating her guilt, make her feel bad about what she is doing, and generate a new spurt of anger at you for reminding her of what she is doing to you. She could interpret your comment about missing her as a sneaky way of getting at her, without appearing to be getting at her. Her conscience will do the rest. It's no-win situation when your wife has this mindset.

It's very likely that your wife has told this guy how bad her marriage is, and how you have treated her so badly. That is par when an unhappy wife confides in others about her marriage. He will have believed her, so he will have a skewed view of you. He will see you as an "abuser", and he may even be angry towards you. Then again, if he has something going for your wife, or v-v, he could feel some pangs of guilt when he spots you. So he won't be comfortable around you.
It just reinforces the need for you to seek God's guidance about tonight.

On her expecting you to be mad at her, some further thoughts.
There can be twin motivations at work in her.

 She commences by emphasizing just how badly you have treated her. In addition to having controlled her, you are now mad at her, disapproving of her flapping her wings of freedom. That makes you the problem. She wants you to react so she can tell you that it won't work, you are impossible to live with, so you both may as well call it quits. She has to project all the issue onto you in order to get that "approval" to leave. She can't leave for no reason. And likely she can't admit to leaving for the real reasons.
The reason has to be you, and what you have done, what you are, and what you are always going to be. That is why she does not want you to change for the better. Maybe explains her lack of enthusiasm for marriage counseling. That would throw her plans into disarray.

If that tack does not work, she will switch to an alternate strategy. In this she is the problem. It's now not about you, it's about her. She will say things like:
 " I just can't forgive you. I can't get over what you have done. I can't get into the right frame of mind to go to marriage counseling. So it's better for us to part. So don't feel bad about yourself, I'm the problem. I'm the "bad" one. You won't want to stay with such a "bad" wife"
She may even say that she loves you, but she can't make it work. And so on.

I really don't have an answer. The answer is as elusive as the cure for the common cold. The desire to change and put effort into the marriage has to come from her. Meantime, about all you can do is to treat her with dignity and love. And to call on the Lord for mercy.

I have decided not to go.  I don't see a lot of positives in going other than being there for the kids.  I'll see them all day tomorrow because she plans to go shopping with the older lady.

As you all can tell I struggle with how to handle each new situation.  One counselor told me to ask myself what are my motivations to decide if I should do or say something I am thinking about.  It seems like that only works some of the time cause the answer could go either way.  Someone mentioned on another forum to use the "Is it loving" question before any words or actions.  That makes things a lot easier to figure out.  I am going to start using this approach now.  Not that I have not been loving, but that is a much easier question to answer than what are my motivations.  It will also help me stop giving her any ammunition.  I know your probably thinking I’m and idiot for not looking at it this way already and I do have to admit I am pretty slow, but it just makes sense.  It’s a single approach to any situation.    

 

Things took a bad turn for me last night.  She said she is planning to sign a lease on an apartment.  We talked about it for a while and I asked what she expected to happen.  She kept saying I don’t know.  I asked about finances, child custody, separating our accounts, insurances cell phones etc.  She just said I don’t know.  She said you seem so matter of fact about this stuff.  I told I was just trying to understand how she envisioned the separation working.  The only thing she had a plan for was the child custody.  She said M and W with her, and Tue and Thur with me and the alternate Fri Sat Sun.  That seems like a lot of exchanges and confusion for them, but I don’t know. 

 

I am being loving.  I did not hound her over the questions I just asked them once and she never answered.  She is going to sign a year lease, she said she wanted 6 months but they would not do it.  I also asked if she still wanted to see each other, or would we keep it to just what we needed to do for the kids.  Again she said, I don’t know. 

 

Am I wrong for wanting answers?  Should I just hang in limbo and hope things work out?  I just don’t know what to do.  Is she just doing this hoping I will say ok fine lets divorce, or does she truly not know?  Any Ideas?

 

confused555:

One counselor told me to ask myself what are my motivations to decide if I should do or say something I am thinking about.  It seems like that only works some of the time cause the answer could go either way.

I believe "is it Loving" is a great question to stop and ask yourself.  I try to do it.

As for the counselor's suggestion of thinking about your motivation, I think it is better to ask yourself the two questions "what do I want to accomplish?" and "what am I most likely going to accomplish?" before you say or do something in an injured relationship.

Those might seem the same as the question "what are my motivations?", but they aren't.  Motivations are about *why* I'm doing something.  What you hope to and believe you will accomplish are about effects and results. 

It can take years of counseling to understand *why*, deep down why, we do something or react a certain way.  But if you can gather a modicum of common sense and reasonableness, and a strong element of being honest with yourself, you can usually form a good idea of what you are about to say or do is going to get you.  That is especially true if the words or actions are of the type that cause you to stop and wonder about them in the first place. 

Another thing - if we're honest here - sometimes our motivations aren't very good.  Sometimes, in the moment, when I'm hurt or disappointed or angry, my "motivation" could be a desire to strike back, lash out, hurt them the way they hurt me. (I think you are saying basically the same thing when you say that the answer to the question can go either way).  And quite often we act on that type of negative motivation, and we fall a couple of steps back rather than moving forward.  But, if instead you ask yourself "what outcome do I ultimately want in all of this?", and the answer is "healing, restoration, growth, Love", then THAT can drive your response or your decision to NOT respond.

Overcoming a negative motivation is a battle against sin - you are approaching the moment as a fight against something bad.  But focusing on the positive outcomes you want makes it into you moving towards a goal, striving to reach something better.  And THAT not only makes it easier to see and do the right thing in the moment, but it works on changing the underlying motivation.. 

confused555:

Someone mentioned on another forum to use the "Is it loving" question before any words or actions.  That makes things a lot easier to figure out.  I am going to start using this approach now.  Not that I have not been loving, but that is a much easier question to answer than what are my motivations.   

I agree it is an easier question to answer, and I believe it is essentially the same question (or gets you to the same answer) as thinking about what you want to accomplish.  Asking "is it Loving" is actually better in that there is NO sense of self in the question.  I don't think there is anything at all wrong with thinking about what you want, what you desire, and as long as they are good things, working towards them.  But right now, with your relationship where it is, the "is it Loving" focus is better.  It is entirely focused on others.

Now, that said - be careful.  In a relationship that is close and intimate and "good", sometimes the loving thing isn't what the other person wants to hear.  And that can cause conflict.  You need to stand on God's Word and be Loving always to your wife, but given the reality of your marriage right now, that might include a little bit of "choose your battles carefully". 

What I mean is... you could be in a situation where the Loving thing would be to talk to your wife about a negative reaction she's having - say she comes home and is in a bad mood about something someone else said or did.  The Loving thing could be to, eventually, talk to her about her reaction and remind her of understanding and Grace towards others.  But in YOUR situation right now, "what is that going to accomplish" could mean you just get her mad at YOU. 

confused555:

I know your probably thinking I’m and idiot for not looking at it this way already and I do have to admit I am pretty slow, but it just makes sense.  It’s a single approach to any situation.    

No, I don't think you're an idiot for not thinking about it this way already.  Or, at least, if I do think you're an idiot, I'm right there being an idiot with you.  We are human, we have sin natures, we are incredibly selfish and can be shallow and unloving, and we often do the wrong thing even when we know better.  Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament, questions why it is that he continues to do the wrong thing even when he knows better.  So, don't beat yourself up too much for what you've done or failed to do - just do the right thing *now*, and each and every 'now' from now on.

---

Love God; Love people.

Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood.

Step 1: Toast the Poptart.

confused555:

Am I wrong for wanting answers?  Should I just hang in limbo and hope things work out?  I just don’t know what to do.  Is she just doing this hoping I will say ok fine lets divorce, or does she truly not know?  Any Ideas? 

I don't think you're wrong for *wanting* answers.  But I think it is the wrong time right now to ask for answers.

I don't know your wife, I don't know the objective circumstances or dymanics of your marriage...   so the following thoughts are necessarily general....

I doubt what your wife wants from you right now is a logical approach regarding how to make separation work.  I think that you asking questions about finances and timing and custody most likely comes off as you NOT being very emotionally involved and senstive.  Not that she wants you to be a blubbering fool, but she certainly doesn't want you to be emotionless and practical.

My opinion here - even if she doesn't know it or wouldn't admit it - my opinion is that one thing she wants to see is you fighting for her.  She wants to see and feel that you value her, that she is worthwhile to you, a priority, THE priority for you in this world. 

Now - that said, it is a narrow line to walk.  She wants you to fight for her, but she doesn't want to feel controlled or manipulated or that you assume you'll win the fight.  She wants to know you value you her and believe her worthy to fight for, but not that you see her as 'property' or that it is your right to have her. 

I think you need to be emotionally vulnerable, she needs to see that you're willing to take emotional risks.  Don't tell her what to do, but tell her how you feel.  Admit your mistakes and repent, but don't be...  don't be weak about it.  Take responsibility.

Another fine line - be Loving and responsive and help her when she asks, but don't make it easy for her to leave.  Don't solve all the problems, don't come to the rescue every time.  Don't proactively talk to her about how to make separation work.  Don't YOU suggest how to pay for an apartment.  When she asks you about it, tell her the truth - "I don't know what to do or how to make this work; I am still hopeful you'll reconsider and choose to stay here - that is what I want... but I just don't know all the answers if you do decide to leave".. something like that.  You want restoration and healing, and that IS the best thing for your marriage, so work towards that and focus on that.  Be loving to your wife, but don't proactivley or actively enable anything to the contrary.

Simple, huh?

---

Love God; Love people.

Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood.

Step 1: Toast the Poptart.

Holten,

 

Thanks again for your insight.  My counselor is telling me to lay down the separation rules and get an attorney, but that is not what I want to do. 

 

I agree with you that is not what my wife wants to go through all the details of who gets what who pays for that etc.  My wife said this to me the other night “Have I been a mean greedy bi**h during our relationship.  I don’t want to have a ugly divorce where you hate me and the kids suffer.  I want to have an amicable divorce where we get along.  One where we still plan their birthday parties together.”  The birthday party one I thought was a little unrealistic.  I mean if we divorce we may not hate each other, but I doubt I am going to go through a lot of effort to make her happy.    

 

I will try and tell her how I feel again tonight.  I have to watch the apologies so I don’t end up in tears as I have in past ones. 

 

I have already told her she could have our savings account to get started.  I did that because I did not want her feeling financially unable to leave even though she wanted to.  It’s not a lot, but enough for her to get started and survive on for a few months.  What about the moving stuff should I help her move?  If I don’t I imagine the texting guy will be caring her stuff out of our house.  Man I just can’t bear to think it L 

No way C-555! Why are you giving her the money to leave? If she hasn't figured this out on her own, she doesn't need to rush to leave, it's not like you're abusing her! She's taking you and your guilt for granted. She has no Biblical reason to leave you. Why do you "not want her feeling financially unable to leave, even though she wanted to"? This is HER choice, not yours, you've made that clear. If she can't realistically go, then she can't go. This is not meant to be easy, especially when it's wrong. Have you seen this place she's going to have your children? Do you have any say? You are giving her WAY too much credit even though she's treating you like an enemy.

The reason she's asking you if she's been a mean, greedy, b**ch, is so you can feel sorry for her and not go hard on her. And what is this talk about she wants a nice divorce? When was divorce an option? She just mentioned separation, now it's divorce? She wants a nice divorce, so you'll give her whatever she asks for. Alimony and child support and the house and everything else. Since she's taken this step, it's time for you to start documenting her actions so that in the event there is a divorce or legal separation, she can't say she left you because you were so horrible and that's why you gave her the money to leave because you knew you were horrible. She left on her own free will, despite your objection and willingness to make the marriage work.

Formerlyalpha, Holten, Renae, somebody respond because I don't see how this is right at all.

Your post is full of "don't knows", both from her and from you. I can understand you not knowing what to do. I can't get an accurate handle on your wife's claim to not know what she wants to do.

That mean greedy b**** comment by her fits that scenario in my last post where she will switch to saying she is the bad one, too bad for you to want to live with etc. Amicable divorce is a Satanic lie. The fact that she is now boldly mentioning divorce also fits my speculation that all this recent stuff is part of the softening up process prior to spelling out her divorce intentions. That means  she has it all carefully planned.

A cynical view would be that she does know, but that she does not want to hit you the full truth all at once. So she opts for the softly, softly approach to informing you. She will progressively unfold that plan one step at a time. First get installed in an apartment, then get accustomed to a separate existence, then disentangle the ties that bind, such as the  practical and financial bonds, and finally the legal bonds to the marriage.If this is the case, the "don't know" comments by her are a ruse.

Another view would be that she is in such an emotional condition that she is oscillating in her heart, one moment being sure she wants out, and another having misgivings about such an outcome.
I note that you were trying to prize an answer from her. She either didn't have an answer, or didn't want to spell it out. I'm not sure about you providing answers like the details of separating. I would avoid giving her ready made ideas about leaving. It's obviously going to have financial repercussions, because now your joint incomes are going to have to maintain 2 households, with their overheads.
It seems surprising that there are no apartments available for under 1year lease. Unless she wants a specific location. What about apartments where the occupants have had to leave, yet still have the balance of the contract to maintain?  Those must exist, and could give her a shorter time. Maybe you could make some enquireies, but don't tell her until you have some facts.

She said "...you seem so matter of fact about this stuff." This is that tight rope you are being required to walk. It does seem like a "no win" situation. If you react with emotion to what she is doing, that could count against you, and if you stay calm that also appears not right. Perhaps she expects you to be upset and  even display hurt and anger. Does she expect you to fight for her? To pursue her? ( Now it's my turn to say I don't know!)

If you are going to fight for her and your marriage, you need a strategy. It's also - in my opinion - better to avoid saying things about child custody, separating accounts etc as that could lead her to think that you are getting O K with such ideas.

You could reaffirm to her that you  love her, you love your children, and your hope is that you may all be together as a couple and as a family. You are sorry for your failings and you are addressing those shortcomings. While the prospect of a separation grieves you, if it did happen it would be against your desires, and you want it to be under the care of a counselor with a view to it being a therapeutic separation, where the outcome is reconciliation.

It could be that she wants space at this point, and your expectation that you want reconciliation could push her further away, in the sense that she may feel pressured to comply with your wishes. When the very reason she is parting is to be free of your decision making. That is what makes it so difficult to know.

When a  couple are courting, it's sometimes a case of the pursuer and the pursued. As in the cliche, " he chased her until he was caught". When a marriage is unraveling the opposite motivations are at work, the couple are moving away from each other. If one partner tries to stop that moving away it can be resented, and resisted.
How to woo and win the disenchanted spouse? It can be more difficult than the original courting process, because you are staring from a negative position. The only thing you have is history and the bonds of the marriage. In the original courting, it was driven by love, and the desire to be together. Now you are trying to effect connection  without that love factor.
How would you behave towards someone you were wanting to court? You certainly would not do anything to upset them, and you would be careful to cultivate good feelings in that person. That is the task before you. And in a situation where the one you are trying to court is at best cool, or at worst resistant, to your advances.