FamilyLife Forums

LibraryMom:

Dallas, I feel your pain. And in my case you can add my mother-in-law to the mix. I had to run to the store to pick up a couple things and he insisted on coming with me and driving.

 

OMG...If my MIL was in "the mix" ..I love her too..but I think I would go missing in action.I understand about the grocery store too...I think its 'cute" to go shopping together.But not when you are already suffocated.And especially not when your spouse wants to review how "sensible" that purchase you are making is..He wants to tell you this brand is 3 cents less while you are reviewing the nutrient value of a jar of spaghetti sauce.I want to take the jar and ...well I wont say it.

((((HUGS))))

Love

Dallas

I haven't read the rest of it yet, but I wanted to start out by saying that you're not mean, and I think you are 'normal', yes. 

It's not unusual when a couple retires for this situation to arise, where the man is around much more, and the routine is broken, but this has been going on for a while, so it's different.

I think that your h wants to do something together that is not hanging around the house, and maybe if you could have your special occasions together - just the two of you - it would help with that 'hanging around together' time.  Maybe.  But I mean really go out - get dressed up, go somewhere nice, eat a good meal, see a movie - real romantic one-on-one, not with children or grandchildren.

Think about it .. this is the rest of your life .. are you going to spend it antagonized, or are you going to make it work? 

If he's bothering you when you are on the phone, make a point of saying that a call is private and close the door. 

I hear your frustration, sweetie.  I really do.

I know you don't want to find a job, but how about volunteering somewhere?  You could be an awesome helper for - I dunno - all kinds of places that need enthusiastic women like yourself.  :)

LibraryMom:

Dallas, I feel your pain. And in my case you can add my mother-in-law to the mix. I had to run to the store to pick up a couple things and he insisted on coming with me and driving.

Oh boy.

I drive over 200 miles a week to work and back, and at the weekend I am relegated to the passenger seat and, if I am ever "awarded" the driver's seat I have to listen to all kinds of gasps and remarks on my driving ability.  Honestly.  I wonder how I ever make it from A to B every day without "help".

JaneFW:

I haven't read the rest of it yet, but I wanted to start out by saying that you're not mean, and I think you are 'normal', yes. 

It's not unusual when a couple retires for this situation to arise, where the man is around much more, and the routine is broken, but this has been going on for a while, so it's different.

I think that your h wants to do something together that is not hanging around the house, and maybe if you could have your special occasions together - just the two of you - it would help with that 'hanging around together' time.  Maybe.  But I mean really go out - get dressed up, go somewhere nice, eat a good meal, see a movie - real romantic one-on-one, not with children or grandchildren.

Think about it .. this is the rest of your life .. are you going to spend it antagonized, or are you going to make it work? 

If he's bothering you when you are on the phone, make a point of saying that a call is private and close the door. 

I hear your frustration, sweetie.  I really do.

I know you don't want to find a job, but how about volunteering somewhere?  You could be an awesome helper for - I dunno - all kinds of places that need enthusiastic women like yourself.  :)

Thank you Jane..I needed that smack too...He irritates the hell out of me so I just focus on how I can minimize our time together.

Im going to make it work.Maybe if we did get out more together instead of me thinking he can or I can leave more on our own it would help things.

I think Im normal.But I have let this antagonize me as you said.And I think its made me self centered and self thinking.Plus I think Im a chicken.Im afraid if I get MORE involved with him one on one ..he will just swoop down and try to drown me.

I need to stop thinking all about me ..and I need to let myself be vulnerable instead of trying to protect myself..

thank you Jane..and all of you...

Im crying now...

Love

Dallas

JaneFW:

LibraryMom:

Dallas, I feel your pain. And in my case you can add my mother-in-law to the mix. I had to run to the store to pick up a couple things and he insisted on coming with me and driving.

Oh boy.

I drive over 200 miles a week to work and back, and at the weekend I am relegated to the passenger seat and, if I am ever "awarded" the driver's seat I have to listen to all kinds of gasps and remarks on my driving ability.  Honestly.  I wonder how I ever make it from A to B every day without "help".

 

Back seat drivers ...UGHH!!

Love

Dallas

Aw don't cry.  (((Dallas)))

I didn't mean to sound so harsh with that thing about not being antagonized.  I don't know where that comment even came from.  I wasn't thinking of you as needing a smack, I promise.

I hope that you guys can make this time together work.  :)  I know that your h really really loves you, Dallas.  You are blessed.  :)

JaneFW:

Aw don't cry.  (((Dallas)))

I didn't mean to sound so harsh with that thing about not being antagonized.  I don't know where that comment even came from.  I wasn't thinking of you as needing a smack, I promise.

I hope that you guys can make this time together work.  :)  I know that your h really really loves you, Dallas.  You are blessed.  :)

 

No its O.K Jane..I think you had a point..You werent harsh at all.

And Im sure he really loves me I know he does..I guess its just what happens when someone's "love" for you is killing you.

And "this time together" ..has "worked" ..Its been going on for 21 years.Just his "love for me" has intensified since he is home ALL the time.Actually it hasnt "intensified"..its just ..

Think of a young child..That ...

Love

Dallas

To me it seems like yes, he loves you, but he is showing his love for you in a selfish way. He wants his needs met, whether they're caused by insecurity or whatever. I dunno. But love needs to let go sometimes, think of the other person...

Yes, maybe if you make a point of going out with him. Lavish your attention on him, then ask him if you can have some time to yourself to unwind for a few hours...probably won't work though. Ugh.

Maybe go in the bathroom with a book? Although if he realized you weren't doing anything "important" in there, you might find him in the bathroom also? :-(

 

 

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"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection..." (Phil 3:8,10)

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*No opposite gender PMs, please!

QUOTE GABBY

To me it seems like yes, he loves you, but he is showing his love for you in a selfish way. He wants his needs met, whether they're caused by insecurity or whatever. I dunno. But love needs to let go sometimes, think of the other person...

Yes, maybe if you make a point of going out with him. Lavish your attention on him, then ask him if you can have some time to yourself to unwind for a few hours...probably won't work though. Ugh.

Maybe go in the bathroom with a book? Although if he realized you weren't doing anything "important" in there, you might find him in the bathroom also? :-(QUOTE)

 

LOL!! You are CUTE!!

\I've done things like that..And he will come in uninvited and say.."you dont have to do that..I'll leave you alone"..Im like well HELL what are you doing in here then???

He follows me ya'll.

And I agree I need to lavish attentiion on him.My fear is I have done that over and over agan he gets WORSE.

And Im tired of being gaurded ..I want to be happy to see him.I want to enjoy him.

But Im going to strike a deal with him..I thank ya'll for your love and advice.Maybe he is the way he is(worse) because I withdraw becuase the way he is overwhelms me.

I think we can meet in the middle.If he wont try to dominate and smother me ..if I say ..hey you and me ...

He is a control freak.Im not even going to tell you..He is very very needy and tries to "make me" love him.So I reverse ..and am probably less available than the average women.

I think we bumped heads..

I do love him..hopelessly..I feel a little guilty even talking about him here..(not much..LOL)

Love

Dallas

Wow, I cannot even imagine what that must be like. I think you are completely normal in wanting/needing some time for yourself. Everyone needs that. Does he have any hobbies or male friends that he likes to do stuff with? I really liked the idea about doing volunteer work, is that something that would interest you?

I hope you can communicate your needs in a manner that will be respected and you will see some changes. At least you know he loves you and likes spending time with you.

Ha, I spend on average about 15 minutes per day with my spouse and even that is usually a disaster! Yes, I went to my pastor for counseling... I know divorce is wrong. ugh

Praying you will find some common ground soon Dallas.

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Anyone can count the number of seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.

Volunteer work, especially if it's volunteer work for HIM. I remember you said something earlier about wanting time at home, by yourself to hang out. I don't blame you.

Aren't there men's groups at church he could join? Do'all hunt down thar in Texas? Maybe join some other dudes (or whatever ya'all are) for a manly game of golfin' or spittin'? He needs a hobby of his very own!!!

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"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection..." (Phil 3:8,10)

_________
*No opposite gender PMs, please!

Gabby50:

Volunteer work, especially if it's volunteer work for HIM. I remember you said something earlier about wanting time at home, by yourself to hang out. I don't blame you.

Aren't there men's groups at church he could join? Do'all hunt down thar in Texas? Maybe join some other dudes (or whatever ya'all are) for a manly game of golfin' or spittin'? He needs a hobby of his very own!!!

He is not going to volunteer.I mean I hate to say never..But ..and hobbies? No I've known him for over 26 years..We have been together (everyday basically) for 24 of that.His hobbies have been fishing(which I did with him because I like to fish too)..Gardening and salt water aquariums.He has no male friends or relationships and says he doesnt need or want any.He likes to watch sports not play them.I have done more physical sports activities even with the kids than he has.I love to bike ride..and I took the kids biking..He joined me.My now 19 year old(when he was 15) got into Muay ti kick boxing..I joined his class at 37 years old and kick boxed with him.

He doesnt like to hunt.He doesnt like to golf.His closest relationships are my family and mainly my first youngest sister.She and he get together to plan outings for the kids.

Its "just the way he is".

And really..there is nothing wrong with him.We are just different.Its just a lot of pressure him being the way he is on me.Especially because I feel like I have failed him .

His idea to solve the delima is for him to rent a "cheap office space"..to go to every morning(even though he doesnt need an office only a telephone)..and stay in a "cheap motel" every night.So I can have my "space".And for him to go to the $1 movie by himself for entertainment and eat alone.

What am I supposed to say to that?I feel like a piece of crap.

I regret saying anything I should have counted my blessings and kept my mouth shut.

Love

Dallas

Of course you're normal! 

Especially knowing how things were in the past w/your marriage I understand where you are coming from.

Does your hubby have any buddies he hangs with?

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Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground...

BcauseHeLives:

Of course you're normal! 

Especially knowing how things were in the past w/your marriage I understand where you are coming from.

Does your hubby have any buddies he hangs with?

Sorry disregard that last question!!  I just read that he doesn't have them or need them.  Sorry.

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Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground...

BcauseHeLives:

BcauseHeLives:

Of course you're normal! 

Especially knowing how things were in the past w/your marriage I understand where you are coming from.

Does your hubby have any buddies he hangs with?

Sorry disregard that last question!!  I just read that he doesn't have them or need them.  Sorry.

 

Its O.K..Its nothing to be sorry about..

Im sorry I even brought it up at this point.

Im just whining and complaining.

I need to get over myself.And be happy.

Love

Dallas