FamilyLife Forums

so, I had posted awhile ago that I was concerned about a relationship that my husband had started with a woman he had met at Gottschalks.  He shared with me how she had a bad marriage.  Her husband didn't support them financially and was so terrible.  I don't remember all he said, but I just was uncomfortable with how they met and what she was willing to share with my husband a perfect stranger.  Also the fact that he had given her his cell phone number.  I asked him not to keep bringing her up.  So he stopped.  She called our home phone number and left a message saying that she would love to join us for a Bible study or get together.  I told my husband that I wasn't interested.  He said that he was "appalled" that I wouldn't want to reach out to someone who was hurting and didn't have any friends. 

Any way 2 nights ago, I just had the feeling that I should check his phone to see if he had eliminated her name from his phone.  (he had told me that he had).  I have never doubted my husband before and never peeked into his phone.  Anyway I checked and her name was still there!  Not only that but there was test from her that said "I have been thinking of you"  and later "Nite."  I was shocked. 

My husband left for work that day and later when he called home, I asked if he had heard from her since I had never responded to her message.  He said , "I don't know you check the messages."  I said you haven't heard from her?  He said "No, I took her name out of my phone, you asked me too."  By this time I was looking at a copy of our phone bill.  He had talked or test-msg  with her 36 times in the last couple of days!  After checking the phone bill for the last 6 months, I see that he has had quite a relationship with her all the way back till May! 

I can't begin to share how hurt I am.  Devastated that he flat out lied.  I never knew him to do that with me. 

Later that night we went for a walk and I again brought her up and he said he had deleted her phone just like I had asked.  He again said he hadn't spoken with her!  Then he asked what was in my pocket.  I said it is a copy of your cell phone bill.  and I showed him what I had found.  he had no words.  He swears she is just a "friend"  and that he never slept with her, never even met with her.  Just all on the phone.  I told him he was having an affair and he denied it.  I said an emotional affair at the very least. 

I feel so betrayed and lost.  I love my hsuband and want to work things out.  I told him we need counseling.  This has probably been one of our hardest years of marriage.  I see now he checked out emotionally 5 months ago.  he is not totally at fault.  I have not loved, supported, respected him as I should have.  We have not had a good sex life in a long time. 

I made him give me his phone.  Today he got mad and said if he didn't get a phone, then I shouldn't have one either.  I told him I was the one who abused it. 

I don't know, I guess if he still wants to call her he can do it from anywhere.  We do have kids in Texas and Va.  and he calls his parents in Pa. nearly everyday on his way to work.  I just had the phone number changed.  He has deleted her number.  Should I let him have the cell phone back? He has a long commute to work each day. 

I went to counseling today.  I hope he will be willing to as well.  Should I call that woman and tell her not to call anymore, that I know about their relationship and it stops now! 

Thanks for listening.


I jsut don't know what I want anymore. 

He has to realize the fact he pretty much lied about things does cause alot of doubt and mistrust.  It doesn't sound like he wishes to own that fact right now.  I don't know if taking away a cell phone will stop things all together, but his reaction to this act is very telling.  I pray that he wakes up and smells the reality of this.

I honestly don't know what would happen if you called this woman, and confronted her about the phone calls.  If I were guessing it may send him over the top.  On the other hand, alot of people would say you have every right to do so.  Confrontation's purpose to call out the sin, and hope they turn from it.  I would watch my attitude and tone with her.  You need to make sure you do this the right way.  It won't be easy if I were guessing.

You both need to make a choice if you are going to take steps to move on from here.  The secrets and lies are damaging, and he knew that.  He wouldn't have diverted the way he did if he didn't have a clue.  The fact that you admit that things from your end is good as well, and can be seen as as a tool to help both of you.  The emotional affair was a choice, and I realize people LOVE to use that as the same for all kinds of things.  Its a symptom only.  Don't lose hope this can be worked out, and relationships can be healed!  You can both work at this, and make this relationship better than before!

Busymom,
From the beginning, your husband should not have given her his phone number.  He should have suggested that she discuss her situation with the pastor or a Godly woman, such as you (If you want to be a support to her). A married man should not be a support person for woman in a troubled marriage. I hope your husband learns this lesson. I think you or a pastor/counselor should emphasize this. You both need to guard your marriage.

It sounds like your husband needs a cell phone so I think he should have it, but with the condition that you have access to his records as a safety precaution and to rebuild trust.

I also recommend that once you've dealt with this phone and other woman issue, you and your husband must also start praying together and do a devotional together regularly, working on your spiritual unity and intimacy.
This is one way you guard your own heart and each other's hearts. Also take time away from the stresses of your life and have a dating time and create special memories. Do work on the physical intimacy also.

I pray for restoration for your marriage.

~Renae

It was less than a fortnight ago that you first shared your concerns on this forum.

 In those posts you did not lay out the time frame in which all this took place, so I naturally assumed that it was all very recent, like in the previous 2 weeks. Because of that there appeared to be no lengthy history to your husband's interaction with this woman. For that reason the matter did not yet seem to be serious.

But now, you divulge that he has been in contact with her for nearly 5mths.
That alters what I would have said, had I known this when I last posted about it. And now you also say he has been denying the extent of his contact with her, and actually deceiving you.
My previous advice was that if your husband wanted her to get help, such as from a bible study, and you were not happy with his involvement in that, then other people in your church could be introduced to her and asked to take over looking after her. That advice was given taking at face value the things you outlined then.

This new information changes all that. It underlines the prevailing caution about a married person giving help to someone of the opposite sex who is in marital problems. It's a no no.
Even if your husband is not at fault here - apart from deceiving you that is - he could easily have been drawn to her by her continuing to talk to him and praise him. Since she is in conflict with her husband, she will easily latch onto any man who stops to give her encouragement. She will have lapped it up, simply because she is so needy. In return she will have found herself drawn to your husband and be easily eating out of his hand. He would have felt flattered by that attention, and before long an emotional attachment comes into play.

 An emotional affair - if that's what it is, and I'm not convinced of that yet - sneaks up on people. It's an incremental creeping movement towards feeling good about the other person. Then it spawns a desire to be in touch more and more often.
Once that starts to evolve, the only effective course of action is cold turkey severance af all contact between them. It may be that if the emotional connection is quite weak, then after a suitable period of time, like months at least, it may be possible to allow a 'hello' now and then.

It's possible that your husband may have deleted her number from his phone, but if she was continuing to ph or txt him her number would come back onto his phone. especially if she was presenting herself as needing his advice about something. If that were  the case, he could have decided to enter it in his directory again. I'm making assumptions here, but that's because I'm being objective, and looking at various possibilities.

What evidence do you have for saying he checked out emotionally 5mths ago? And why would he do that? There's a hint in your post that the checking out coincided with his first contact with this woman.

Without more info I couldn't comment on whether he should retain the phone. I'm not sure whether that would work. Phones are easy to get.
I'm also not sure about you getting in touch with her. It would be preferable for your husband to convey to her that he needs to cease his contact for the sake of his wife and marriage. If you were to do it she could react, and perhaps resolve to go clandestine with your husband.

Thanks for the input.  I went ahead and gave him back his phone, but I had his phone number changed.  He told me he wasn't going to call her again.  I told him then it was his choice now.  I was scared, but trying to trust him.  Now she wouldn't be able to call or text him unless he gave her the number.  He knows now that I can check the phone records.  Man,  I never thought I would need to do that!  Anyway we talked through the weekend.  It is hard.  We have friends in the ministry and they came and talked with us as well.  They also recommended we follow up with Christian counseling.  I started on Fri.  Its up to my husband if he will call.  I think he will, but he is still working through things he says.  Our friends (husband and wife) both said that he still has a wall up and is clearly not broken over this.  He says he is sorry, but you don't feel real remorse.  He even said he had been thinking of moving out. 

Please keep me in your prayers.  I'm kind of surprised I a haven't been really angry,  just incredibly sad.  I tried once to call the other woman, but no answer.  I don't think I will try again. 

He keeps asking me if I'm ok.  What do you say to that?  No, not really.  I wonder how he can stop calling her when he has called her literally hundreds of times in the last several months. 

I have asked him to cultivate godly Guy friends to talk with and be accountable to.  I just feel so alone right now. 

 

Thanks for your prayers.

My heart goes out to you busymom234. I am so sad to hear what has happened in your marriage, but even more sad that your husband isn't willing to see what he's done wrong. And the fact that he was thinking of moving out. The nerve! I am happy you have Godly friends whom you can confide in and gain some spiritual insight, but at the same time it doesn't sound like he has those types of friends (neither does my husband).

My suggestion would be to focus on you and keeping yourself spiritually grounded, but continue being a Godly wife despite what he's doing. We have no control over what another person does, especially a man. God gave us all free will, so be free to be you, not allowing his moods or decisions to disrupt you. I know you love him, and the best thing you can do is to pray for him and continue seeing your Christian counselor.

Know that I and many others are praying for you, your husband, and your marriage. 

Wow,  I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate the prayers going on our behalf.  We have had a good couple of days.  Things won't change over night, but I think change will come.  My older boys (23, and 21) called their dad and asked what was going on.  Why is Mom sounding so sad and does it have anything to do with your changing your phone number?  He ended by telling them a little of what has been going on.  They both conference called him last night and they talked.  I think he is more open to working on things and basically said that we had 2 options: going to counseling or separating.  I asked which he wanted and he said he would be willing to go to counseling.  Yeah!!!  I really think we can work through things with some help.  I am realizing how much I have hurt him by taking him for granted and with God's help I will show him how much I care.  Please keep us in your prayers.

 

That is such wonderful news! Praise God! Sometimes it takes a rough situation in order for God to get our attention to the log in our own eye. We ALL make mistakes in marriage. When we go to school or even living at home while children, no one teaches us how to be husbands and wives. It's something we learn through trial and error. The beauty of having Jesus is that we learn to look at ourselves and see where we can improve even when our husbands/wives are doing wrong. We have to stand strong on His word and know that "this too shall pass" and "it all happens for the glory of God." (paraphrasing here). I pray that you find a good Christian counselor to help you two through this, and know you have the support from the good folks on this message board :)

Many Blessings...

Hi again,

 

We have had a good week.  My question now is how to deal with my hurt.  My H acts as if all is back to normal.  I am trying to show more appreciation and be more intimate.  Yet I still don't feel that he realizes what his having a "friend" has done to my trust in him or in "us".  I don't feel as secure as I once did.  He still feels justified that he wanted us to meet this couple and befriend them and since I was unwilling, he went ahead.  He agrees he decieved me and lied to me about it.  But he insists they were just friends.  He doesn't seem to get it.  He doesn't understand why I didn't reach out to her.  (I just felt uncomfortable with the way they met and shared so much).  Looking at the phone bill shows they texted or called 89 times the first month in May.   That to me is not a casual friend.  I still don't feel he really understands what he did and the consequences it has in my life.  Even though things are going better, I now have an underlying sadness and concern that if I am not doing things "right" he may reach out somewhere else.  I never doubted him before.  This weekend I checked his phone again and he still had that woman's husbands phone number.  I asked him why and he said that they may want him to do some side jobs for them.  I told him I didn't want him connected to them in any way and please delete his phone number as well.  He did, but like I said he still doesn't get it. 

I don't want to hammer him with this, but I think until he realizes the "wrongness" of his "friendship"  I find it hard to let this go. 

He is going to a christian counselor tomorrow and I hope to go with him the next time. 

Please keep us in your prayers.

Thanks.

Your husband’s reaction is similar to my wife’s.  We are going through problems in our relationship (long story but it’s on the forums) and I found out she had texted this man 60 times in 2 days.  Since then she has admitted there was something going on for two weeks.  She really won't say what other than she realizes it was wrong and will stop.  However she does not want to give up a friendship with this mans mother.  There will be times when my wife will still see him because of this. 

She is unwilling to completely sever contact because for her that would be unfair.  I don't understand her logic in the same way you don't understand your husbands.  Finding the number still in his phone has to really hurt.  That kind of trust does not come rushing back.  I am glad he is willing to do what you ask.   

 

It will take some time for you to deal with your hurt - I understand from experience.  I also understand your fear to always do what's "right" now... although it's good to evaluate yourself and make some changes... you will never be perfect.  It took me several years to finally just accept it and not worry if what I do will "cause" my husband to have an affair.

I thought we had a perfect marriage - we rarely, if ever, argued.  He was deployed to Iraq for a year and when he came home - hooked up with an old friend - he doesn't know why other than she was going thru a bad time (her whole life has been dramatic with 8 kids by 5 different men - only 2 of which she was actually married to - and divorced from) and he didn't think the kids and I needed him.   So they started talking - on his work cell phone, thru IM, and he was stopping by her house almost every day.  They did kiss once but that's as physical as it got - I do believe that - but I also believe it would have gone much further had I not found out when I did. 

We didn't separate nor did we go to counseling - except a few marriage retreats (including Family Life's weekend to remember...that was awsome!).  He said he'd go but never made the appointment - I didn't either because I didn't want to "force" him - he'd just shut down and it wouldn't work.  I was afraid to do or say anything to cause him to leave (we had 3 kids under the age of 10).... until I literally stumbled on an IM - they obviously had stopped seeing/calling each other but his IM to her just read "I miss you more every day - wish things could be different".  I read this just before we had his family reunion at our house - and I called him a name I had never before or since used and left.  I came home before everyone arrived because I felt obligated but I was done - and he knew it.  That was our turning point - he had to decide what he wanted. 

That was 5 1/2 years ago now - the pain/hurt has subsided but you never forget.  Do I trust him now?  Yes.  Was it easy?  No.  No. No.  It took about 3 years.  He, like your husband, wanted me to befriend her - I tried.  I really did - But I just couldn't get past it.

Give yourself time - to grieve.  Your life/marriage was turned upside down - and you lost your security, trust.  I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand - I think it's a guy thing.  Know you're not alone - and their is one "guy" who does understand....Jesus. 

Take care - it will get better. 

I just wanted to ask you - a few posts back you said he keeps asking if you're okay.  What do you answer to that?   Have you shared with him any of the feelings that you have where you are struggling to regain trust in him?  He does need to know - and the counselor will help with this - that it takes time to regain trust, and he needs to be absolutely and completely open and honest with you if that return of trust is to take place.

We went through a not dissimilar situation earlier this year where my h rediscovered a number of former girlfriends through Facebook.  The threads where I posted about this should still be on this forum somewhere.  When I saw the kind of conversations he was having, I was devastated.  I asked him to close his account, and he did, and I was SO grateful that the Christian counselor we had just started seeing backed me up on this, and explained to my h - who also kept on saying he hadn't done anything wrong - how that kind of intimacy with another woman, even though it's not a sexual affair, can damage a marriage and draw that person into yet deeper intimacy with someone who is not their spouse. 

I have not entirely regained my trust back - but let me just say that this follows a lot of other incidents during our marriage of porn use, and my h chatting to other women on other forums - and sometimes I wonder who this man is and whether anything he says to me is true.  BUT, when you call on God to give you strength and trust and faith in His plan, it really, really helps.  The enemy can cause absolute chaos in an already difficult situation, if you listen to him.  So, pray for that hedge of thorns around you and your h.

BTW, I think you handled things very well.  You were calm, but you were assertive, and making those changes with his phone was a very good thing to do.  I know that not everyone will agree with that.  Some might say that you should have let him change the phone number, but sometimes it takes a little more than that, and I'm glad that you did it.  In my h's case, where he was talking to and fro with an ex-girlfriend (this was the ex-g/f, the one he wanted to marry in high school), I did send that woman a message and asked her to back off.  At the same time, my h deleted his account, so I could be sure that there would be nothing more between them. 

My heart goes out to you, and my prayers. 

So I looked and I found the thread, and I know that much of this does not pertain to your husband because this was an ongoing problem with my husband.  However, if you have the patience to read through it, I think that much of the advice that was given to me about my marriage, and the trust issue may just help you.  I hope so.  Don't feel compelled to read it though!

Hi Busymom, just dropping by to say I'm thinking of you and pray that you will keep walking in faith and Godly wisdom in your situation. It is so easy to lean on our own understandings and stop trusting God for restoration!!!  So keep faith and keep leaning on your Heavenly Father to get your marriage through this present trial...  He never fails!! 

~Renae

Thanks for all the prayers.  Today we go together for counseling.  We are seeing a christian MFT so I am hoping we can work out some long standing issues. 

Jane, You asked how I answered him when he asked how I was doing.  I just tell him I feel incredibly sad.  I told him that I lost something, some innocence in our marriage, because I have never had any reason to doubt him.  I feel like the secure footing our marriage had been built on is not as secure as I had believed.  He says he's sorry for that, and he knows I sometimes have trust issues.  I just wonder if he still talks with her.  He says he doesn't.  I also wonder what they found to talk about all the time.  He calls me all the time too.  What could he share with her that he couldn't share with me? 

As I said before, this has been an incredibly stressful year for us.  We are having financial issues like the rest of the world.  With me he knows we have to deal with the issues, with her maybe it is just an escape from the pressures he has to face.  I'd like an escape too.  I escape into a book. 

Anyway we go today and hopefully it will be the start of healthy changes.  Things seem like normal, but I don't want what we had.  I want a healthier us. 

Thanks for your prayers.