FamilyLife Forums

After a 15 yr relationship and 13yrs of marriage, i found out 1 yr ago that my husband was a sex addict with over 25 sexual affairs and with masturbation and pornography, he said that when he revealed everything to me he would start recovery, he did but only for himself and i was never allowed to express my hurt, sadness, grief, anger ect ect. He said he was a changed man and we needed to move on!!!!!!!!!! About 4mths into it he said he had no more patience for me and rebuilding he just wanted to focus on himself, and he was a changed man and he did not feel the need to explain things to me about his days, he wanted no communication accept for the bare minimal just short and sweet, manly about the kids. I wasn't allowed to ask questions about anything, and on days I was sad or had a trigger (by seeing one of the othe women in grocery store) he would say " Stop having your pity parties for yourself you are pathetic"! So hear I am, and last night he said he should have left along time ago and he only stayed because he thought he should to fix what he did, and in the very beginning he thought he still loved me, but shortly after that he said he didn't and my voice makes him so sick and he doesn't want to hear anything from me good bad or indifferent. Prays needed please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopeforpeace, 
I'm sorry for the painful, grievous experience you are going through. I was married 18 years to a man who got worse in his abusive ways year after year; he quit counseling saying he couldn't change, divorced me, and later remarried. I empathize with you, sister. You do need to grieve this. I prayed and journaled to process things and got a pastor's support. I recommend that to you too.

When a spouse falls into deception and sin, the best thing you can do is look to Jesus, your first Husband!  He promises to be with you, love you faithfully, and provide for you always. It has been 6 years since I was divorced and I can testify that God never fails when you follow Him!  His ears are open to your cries. He will make a way for you!!  Inspite of how chaotic your circumstances may look and feel now, you can trust Jeremiah 29:11 that says you have hope and a good future!

Listen for His voice and take the steps He places in front of you. Choose your words and actions based on the Word of God. Set appropriate boundaries. Protect your kids spiritually, emotionally, etc.

It sounds like your husband may have been convicted of the Holy Spirit but did not genuinely repent to God or you. It sounds like he has an arrogant attitude, a spirit of pride, thinking he can still be the head of your home and tell you to put up and shut up. No!  He has seriously violated his marital vows made to God and you so has no right to control you.

He is not taking full responsibility for his sin but instead is shifting blame and shame unto you, and hardening his heart. Don't accept any of that!!!  He expects you to tolerate his sin and bad spirit -- No!  If he ever claimed to be a born-again believer, call his pastor to confront him according to Matt. 18:15-19 and see if he will have a change of heart to submit to accountability to change.

He is not a safe person on any level right now.  He could be carrying diseases; he and you should both be medically tested. His emotional and verbal abuse could escalate at any time into physical abuse so be careful.  I think he should live separately with regular accountability, ongoing treatment, etc., while the kids need the stability of staying in their own home with you if possible and your husband should provide financial support. 

Let your husband be confronted by a pastor/counselor with the truth...

Praying for you and your family,
In Christ's love,
~Renae

I'm coming back here to say this, that when he claimed he was a changed man and you and he should move on together, I think that mindset is typical that men, once they see they have failed, they want to cut with the past and go forward. Women don't tend to operate that way. That doesn't make you bad. It is normal to process grief!!!!

A man may not understand or have patience with our (women's) need to process all of what happened. But God tells the husband to live with her according to understanding--  he sinned against you, so should let you grieve and lovingly listen and help you through to heal your heart.  If he expects to heal this marriage, he must be willing to be the burdenbearer, being Christ-like to you.

Anyway, he needs instruction about how to overcome his addiction and how to relate to you in a way that respects & is healing to you.

Thank You Renae, I wanted to say, that we both got tested, that is the first thing We did, Thank you for that concern, and your post it made me feel at peace, when I read all of your encouraging words of wisdom and Spirit, I do feel that instead of pro-counsel that it would be best for us to sit with our priest!!! Thank you for the advice!! I have made my boundaries and I am sticking to them, I feel that is why he acts the way he does, because I won't let him cross them, that is the only thing that has kept me sane in this past yr. And you are also right about men, in general that have certain attitudes against womens needs, and I do realize that our needs sometimes feel like to much for them to handle, especially men without a healthy mind. On the other hand I will not settle for anything less, than for him to respect me and my morals, values, and boundaries, my children and I deserve that and more!!! After I posted yesturday, I went to my crucifix and just prayed and prayed and asked Jesus to take it all, I prayed to him like I never prayed before, I felt all of his wounds, each and every one of them and something inside felt warm and I felt him hold me, I knew I would be fine no matter what, then the most incredible thing happened, my husband came home from work, I told him I was going to attend the Family Life Weekend by myself and he said I would love to come, I almost feel out of my chair!!!! We were talking about finacnes to figure out how to do this, he said we will figure it out, about 2 hrs later my mail came and there was a check in there that we were told 4 days prior wouldn't be coming until the end of Dec. I was numb, I felt a peace from the Lord, and I knew no matter what I would be ok. The amount of the check will cover the whole weekend for the both of us and some left over. I dont know if this weekend will help my husband, but I know it will help me, and that is who I am focusing on, for myself and my children!!! My husband needs to help himself, and by him saying he would go is a start!!! He said he is filled with so much shame and guilt it eats him alive, and he can't stand it when I am sad or have to deal with the consequenses of his past, and he did admitt that he has yet to find a way to deal with it instead of becoming so defensive all the time. Well actions speak louder than words I told him , so you will have to show me and build with me and most of anything really go to the Lord and pray for him to show you the way!!!!! Thank you for everything!!!! Thoughts and Prayers Always!!!!

Hopeforpeace,

I almost fell off my chair too!!  <smile> Wow!  Yours and my prayer in agreement and surrendering the whole situation to God-- sure got God's attention and seems to have softened your husband's heart! 

Praise and thanks to God for what He has done and will do!!!  

I respect how you're handling things. You are a woman of rich character! God bless you with healing, peace and daily guidance.

I pray that your husband will find God's way through all his issues! 

Love & prayers,
~Renae


 

Thank you Again Renae,

You were a gift to me, Thank you for all of you time and encouragement we are good people and the Lord will see us through these times of trouble.

I am sorry to hear about your life with depression, some of my family members have had that and my husband has bi-polar and depression he is on a really good mood stabilizer I love it!! It is called Risperidone or Risperdol. It worked much better than all of the antidepresents out there. I hope this info helps you!! I will pray for you.

My husband and I talked today for the first time in along time with effective communication actually caring about one another's feeling!!!!! Wow!!! I think I tried to do some of this without turning it over to the Lord because of my own stubborness, which has been a problem for me in my life, I blamed all of my traumas in life on myself and tried to control things I could not, I needed to just trust in the Lord the way I did on Sat. I will continue to give it all to him, some days harder than others but I will keep it up!!

Hi Hope!
I'm glad you found this forum and feel encouraged. I came here 9 years ago, and it truly is a blessing to receive and give support and information here! Praise God! 

Oh! It is a VERY important detail to tell us that your husband has depression/bipolar. Persons with this disorder tend to experience extreme phases, and in their manic phase I understand that they can act spontaneously, impulsively and even dangerously without much consideration of the consequences. There can be sexual indiscretions (promiscuity, porn use, etc.) due brain/body chemistry.  It's so easy for healthy, moral people like us to not understand & misjudge, and I apologize for anything I said that does not apply to your situation! This is a serious health problem first and foremost. And we are to be educated about the disease and love these people as well as help a spouse get the healthcare they need!  I'm glad your husband found a medication that stabilizes him now!

I want to share more with you in my next post related to your husband's health..... 

I do not have depression now, because I have found natural cures, thank God! 
Through natural healthcare, I was tested and treated for nutritional deficiencies, hormonal and neurotransmitter imbalances, etc... and I am fine!! <smile>

And my 10-years-chronically ill 22 year old daughter is finally moving toward her recovery too!!  It is sooo exciting!!!   When the medical and some alternative healthcare could not cure her, God The Great Physician led me to answers and real help!!!...  Praise Him!!!
 
I learned that many of the medical and psychiatric diagnoses are simply "descriptive of symptoms", and they partner with the pharmaceutical industry, telling us to just manage the illness!  The truth is, many of our illnesses are due to severe bacteria, viruses, fungus, etc. and we can and should get rid of it!!!
I recently heard that skizophrenia and Bipolar symptoms can be caused by a virus!!  Current medical research is focused on Toxoplasma gondii, herpes simplex virus (HSV-1 and HSV-2), Cytomegalovirus (CMV), and endogenous retroviruses. Particularly, when the immune system has been suppressed, these viruses activate! (See http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/51366?verify=0.)  

If you can possibly afford it or if you can get insurance to cover, I strongly recommend  www.hansacenter.com. Dr. Jernigan!!  He created the best antimicrobials that are better than drug antibiotics, plus he has a whole healing plan. This works!! It is amazing!  Even MS is due to a certain strain of BB so that can be cured too! This is real hope!! 

Meds can help stabilize symptoms for the short-term, but meds for the long term can be damaging to the body. If your husband has chronic infection, I think managing symptoms is not enough.  Make sense?

God bless you!
((hugs)) and prayers,

~Renae610

Sister, I just noticed the title of this thread again and wanted to add that I really understand when you say you are exhausted!   When we are going through alot of stress, a woman's health can really get run down. I've been there! 

I hope you are doing everything possible to support yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Are you getting adequate rest, exercise, eating healthy and taking appropriate supplements to support you?   I hope so!! 

Love,
Renae

Hello Renae, I take care of myself as well as I can. I do put my children first always, so therefore I am probably not getting enough sleep or anything else, but I do not neglect myself totally. As far as you saying anything about my husband, I never took anything out of sorts, I do understand that it was harder for him to realize what he was doing and how to get help more than a person without bi-polar and manic depression, but he wasn't stupid either, he is a very very intelligent man, and should have known better some time ago!!!!!!! He did not have the LORD in his life either, ( growing up as an altar boy) his mother was very very very religious and his dad was just the opposite, this kind of behavior happened throughout his grandfather, father, uncle ect. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, the only difference was they were proud and public with there's he was secretive and shamed, they loved all of their notches in their belts, and never did anything to save their marriages!! I have to share some upsetting news with you, I tried to register yesturday morning for the Family LIfe Weekend, and they were sold out, my husband was upset, and as far as me I am still devestated about it!!!!!!!!!!! The next one is atleast 9 hrs away and I really doubt it that we will be able to attend. So I don't know what sign that would be, and I am trying not to let the devil get the best of me on this, it is just that for the first time in 1yr, my husband loved an idea I had for our marriage and we had the money, (remember the check that came) I felt so numb when I hung up the phone with Family Life and there was nothing they could do for me, except put me on the waiting list. Say an extra pray for me, I am very down today!!! Take Care

Oh my, I'm soooo sorry the event was sold out <frown> .... I feel your heart on this...((hugs to you))!!!!... wow, that's a tough blow at this moment...

Yet, our consolation is that nothing happens without God's awareness and HE is not limited by this turn in circumstances.  Move in closer to Him now, casting your feelings on Him and ask for His Will.  This must mean that God has another plan that we don't yet see and we are to trust Him knowing He is busy working out something in the unseen. I am asking God to act and standing in FAITH with you now, that God will make a way where currently we can't see.
Lord, I call out to YOU-- please find a way to minister to this dear wife and her husband.  In Christ's name, Amen.

I've never been to this one, but some couples say it's good:  http://www.retrouvaille.org

I greatly like:  http://www.marriagetoday.org and their events and resources.
They have Marriage Intensives (I don't know if you live near this.)

Or maybe your priest has a resource or plan that will work at this time.
But keep seeking for what is likely to help...

Keeping you & your husband & family in prayer,
~Renae

Thank you Renae for your beutiful prayer!! I did think to myself after crying about it, that God does have another plan for us, and I will keep the faith and hope to recognize his plan when it comes. It was such a blow, because it was the first thing he really sincerly seemed like he wanted to do with me!!! Since 1 yr ago, or should I say 3 yrs. Oh well I will wait for my next plan from the Lord!!! Thanks for the other web sites I will look into them today!!! Thanks Again and May the Lord be with you today and always!!

I agree that we must not let the loss of the Conference overshadow the wonderful breakthrough that has already just happened in your husband. This is something to thank and praise the Lord for!!!   Remember in the Bible where one person remembered to come back and thank Jesus and how Jesus delighted in that?  Let's be that one!!  I waited 12 years for my husband to go to counseling, so I'm glad that the Lord has shortened the time for you to see your husband having a change of heart!

That breakthrough is something God wants to build on and the good thing is, you both are willing!  I am looking forward to what God does next!!  There is nothing we can't overcome through Him. So keep hope and peace in your heart!!

Love to you,
~Renae

Hello Renae, I thank you for helping me understand that this was a breakthrough with my husband, and to take the time to thank the Lord, for such hope and faith. I prayed so much and in my prayers I did Thank him for that day that my husband said he wanted to go with me. I also asked him to help me to learn that he is the one who knows best and that I will have Faith in him to show me the way, for 2 days, I gave it all to him, and then guess what happened, The conference opended up with 2 cancelations, so we are going. It has been a week of testing I believe for both my husband and I. To see the dissapointment on my husbands face when I told him the conference was sold out, and for me to realize that I wasn't seeing the breakthrough, I was just focusing on the dissapointment of not being able to go, I know that when the Lord saw us both realize what we needed to he then followed through with his next plan for us. We need to remember "Thy will be done"! And with saying that my friend I thank you once again for your words of Wisdom and Faith. Prayers and Blessing to You!!!!!!!

Hello HopeforPeace,
I was gone for a week, out of state getting treatment for my daughter, so I am back online and soooooo happy for your good news!!!!! Praise God!!
Praying for continued blessing of the Lord for you and your husband!

~Renae