Went to see dad on sunday as he was hallucinating which think is from the morphine, then today i get call to say that he is hospice for a couple of days observation to get meds sorted and see what next, he doesnt live near so im stuck here worrying, i want to be there at the end but dont know how long, its so frustrating

Hi Lynn,
Hospice should be able to give you a guess at the time frame for your dad. Of course, no one really knows for sure how things will happen. But this is their line of work. Take care
Diane

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Diane
Caregiver of Thomas (my Dad,82)
Pleural epithelial meso
dx 11/10
Our battle ended March 16, 2012. Together.

I just want to say how sorry I am to hear this.  Thoughts and prayers go to you and your loved ones.  Rose

Lynn, just FYI
Marty had quit eating 13 days before date of death
Stopped 'liquid' in the form of ice chips abt 3 days before - actually, think the next evening when we had to give him increased morphine and lorazepam and he went into 'coma type state' on Sunday evening, didn't appear 'aroused' until Tues a.m. when still seeming to be 'out of it' he was attempting to pull himself up by the rails on his 'hospital bed' (at home in my FAM room) and that was sign he had discomfort and trying to raise self up so could breathe! I woke as result of wrong # being rung to a friend, who in turn, called my house to see if my dtr-il (daughter in law) wanted to be relieved ... I had been resting/dozing on a mat on the floor and that Monday evening friends and family decided they should sit so I'd sleep. Anyhow, when my friend got 'wrong # call' and called my house, I raised up and looked at Marty, seeing him trying to raise himself up. I contacted Hospice to see if I should give meds again, told yes, and told the Hospice nurse would come over within a couple hours and check his vital signs, etc.... It was later that morning that Marty died.

Lynn, I suggest you go to see your dad now, as you can and even tho he doesn't seem aware, hopefully he'll be 'sleeping' or 'dozing restfully' and just talk to him, telling him how much you love him, talk abt some of the fun and good times you remember with him.... they say that hearing is the last thing 'that goes'.... Even if he does not understand what you are saying, he possibly will recognize your voice and it will be soothing to him.... and it will be good and wonderful therapy for you. So many of us will be praying for you at this very, very difficult time.... Hopefully you like your dad's wife and can be supportive to her also. My heart goes out to all of you!

I was Marty's 'second wife' and he was my "second husband' .... awe both had been previously married to alcoholics and knew ea other for 8 years in Alanon b4 we ever dated. I loved him like no other person in my life, more than my parents... HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, AND I WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE... miss him dreadfully, but have gotten beyond the point where I longed to just die. Hugs to you, Lynn. Lois

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Lois, Poolboy's mermaid
Marty was stage 3/4 - pleural meso 3/9/07
fought valiantly 27 months
gone to Heaven June 16, 2009

Lynn- our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your father, I know how frustrating this is and wish you strength to get through it. Stay strong Mike

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Mike, Partner/Caregiver of Lisa, dx 3/06 peritoneal mesothelioma

Dad has now been in hospice 2 days, they are struggling to get his meds right so he has to stay longer, he is now getting depressed and agitated and angry with the staff, he doesnt know what day it is, and asks if he is dead or alive, he is now refusing to eat drink or take meds, he says that if he feels pain then he knows he is alive so wont take pain killers, i am going to see him this weekend. Im assuming this means his time is getting closer

Hi its is hard to remember the good times to be honest as he was not in my life for 30 yrs so i feel cheated

Hope he is doing better by the weekend. Stay strong and keep those memories close.

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HUGS
bonnie
Peritoneal survivor 10 YEARS

Hi Lynn, are they also focusing on his spiritual distress. It is great to get pain and symptoms under control but your dad sounds like he needs comfort as well and a chance to live out his days with dignity and peace.

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Mary Hesdorffer, NP
Medical Liaison, Mesothelioma Foundation

I just noticed this post, Lynn, and wanted to respond. My Dad struggled with depression/agitation from the day he went into the VA hospital, 2 1/2 months from when he passed. Now, my Dad was VERY confused since December of 2011, which is why he could not stay home., and I believe this was a big part of it. His personality was also the type of being very independent, NEVER sick with anything, and just one tough bird (asecended Rank in the Army 3 times in just a year!) He was also angry about his memory problems. I think this is part of the journey, and there are meds that can help. My Dad eventually got relaxed enough to play the spoons along with the piano player at the VA. Hope this little scrap helps.
Diane

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Diane
Caregiver of Thomas (my Dad,82)
Pleural epithelial meso
dx 11/10
Our battle ended March 16, 2012. Together.

lynnwilding:

Hi its is hard to remember the good times to be honest as he was not in my life for 30 yrs so i feel cheated

Lynn, I'm sorry for you abt not having your dad in your life for so many years.... The last time I saw my father I was 13 years old.... no, take that back.... he'd left my crippled mom (she was 48 years old and had MS, my brother (who is 2 yrs older than I am) and me before I was 13.... my bro went to live with one aunt, and I went out of state to live with an aunt and uncle and 2 cousins (one of the best things that happened in my life) cuz my mom went to nursing home and was then transferred to county hospital/infirmary (she had MS) ... anyhow, my 'father' arrived at the door of my aunt in my hometown when I was back visiting at age 17, wanting to see me.... I didn't want to see him, so we sent him away.... I learned from my bro that he died when I was 24, living in Texas ... I NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED going to his funeral, and have never been to his grave tho once I asked my bro to try to find it, and he could not remember where it was tho he had gone to funeral. Anyhow, I was about 40 years old, sitting in living room, talking to my dad as thoshe were there in a chair I faced, and I spoke to the chair as if I were speaking to him, telling him I forgave him.....
We had another brother who was 14 yrs older than I am, and he was a JERK. (alcoholism ran in our FAM, relatives, my dad and the 'older brother --- the JERK! ... I never even had enough anger abt him that I had the need to FORGIVE HIM.... funny, thinking abt that!

Anyhow....


You may already have forgiven your dad for whatever, if not,
FORGIVING SMBO IS something that we need to do for ourselves ...
Hopefully you will read this in time or before now had aready come up with the idea that it would be GOOD FOR YOU to sit and tell your dad you forgive him for the hurt and disappointment you've had because of 'not having a dad' all those 30 years....

Some people go through a very natural stage of ANGER following someone's death.... directed at either the person (in this case your dad) or else at God. If you've got some angry feelings and hurt re your dad, would be most natural, and it would be good if you could possibly deal with it now.... I'll be praying for you, Lynn. Lois

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Lois, Poolboy's mermaid
Marty was stage 3/4 - pleural meso 3/9/07
fought valiantly 27 months
gone to Heaven June 16, 2009

I agree with you Lois. Having 2 brothers uninvolved with my Dad is now taking a toll on them, and I can see it. For yourself if for no other reason, it would definately be good to make peace. If too difficult in person, have someone hold the phone to his ear, and say what you need to. You will then always have this to help you in the days ahead. There will be alot of feelings to sort out. God knows I'm still sorting out a TON. Its a real roller coaster ride.
Thinking of you
Diane

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Diane
Caregiver of Thomas (my Dad,82)
Pleural epithelial meso
dx 11/10
Our battle ended March 16, 2012. Together.

Im with dad at moment, he is going downhill, very agitated, fidgety, not drinking or eating and now not going to the toilet, his breathing is more gaspy too.

Hopefully the drs have made him comfortable. I'm glad you made it there in time. Stay strong.

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HUGS
bonnie
Peritoneal survivor 10 YEARS

I am thinking of you Lynn.
If I can be of any help please feel free to email me at mistertoadie@comcast.net
Diane

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Diane
Caregiver of Thomas (my Dad,82)
Pleural epithelial meso
dx 11/10
Our battle ended March 16, 2012. Together.